Understanding of Pain
by StarTraveler
Summary: After the events of episode 4 Alec goes to see Magnus who shares a painful moment from his past.


Disclaimer: Only the fic is mine.

AN: An idea that was screaming to come out, episode 4 was shocking in so many ways. Unbeated.

***  
Alec stared at both Isabelle and Jace as they lay asleep on the infirmary beds, both had been treated for their injuries and sedated.

He should be happy that Jace was back and all three of them would be together again but the events of the last few days, especially the last few hours made it impossible.

He had murdered Jocelyn Fairchild in cold blood, it didn't matter that a demon had possessed him, been inside him as he'd done it, it had been his own hands that had done it.

How could he look Clary in the face from now on and not flinch at the hatred that would be directed at him? Hatred that he rightfully deserved.

Victor came up, "They'll both be asleep until tomorrow afternoon at least, and the medical personnel tell me they'll make a full recovery."

"What will happen to Jace after his injuries heal?" Alec's tone of voice left it clear he wouldn't lose Jace again without a fight.

"I'll recommend to the Clave that Mr. Wayland should receive a full pardon, he saved my life instead of going after Valentine and the soul sword. It is also clear that Valentine had him under mental duress."

Aldertree looked at him, "Contrary to what people think Mr. Lightwood I do have a heart."

"Thanks you for allowing Jace to come back to us."

Aldertree nodded, knowing it was as close as Alec would admit to having some respect for him.

"I'm going out for a while," Alec told him.

"Tell Mr. Bane the Clave appreciates his help in turning over Camille Belcourt to them."

To say Alec felt shock would be an understatement, he had seen enough of Magnus's interactions with Camille to know there had been something major between them.

"I will," Alec replied quickly.

As he went down the hall he saw Clary walking toward the living quarters.

"Clary," Alec whispered quietly.

She stopped and pure hatred came on her face, "Don't you dare try to talk to me."

Alec was planning to honor her unspoken request to go away when he was quickly shoved back.

Simon stood there, fists clenched, fangs bared.

"You heard her Lightwood."

"Mr. Lewis," They turned to see Aldertree standing there, having come to see what the commotion was about.

Aldertree's eyes narrowed, "I've allowed you to remain here out of kindness, don't make me have to ban you permanently."

Clary took Simon by the arm, "Let's go."

Simon closed his mouth and walked off with Clary after one last glared at Alec.

***  
Alec nodded at Aldertree and left the institute, the cold air hit him full force and he used his heart rune to warm up.

A few tears slid down his face and what he had done, Jocelyn had deserved a chance to prove herself to the Clave, and she had risked her life to keep the mortal cup hidden from Valentine.

Just like he should've been kinder to Clary as she had worked to prove herself.

But he had used his jealousy over Jace's feelings for her as an excuse to be extra harder on her.

Magnus's place came into view and Alec went up to Magnus's door, Magnus had said he could enter whenever he liked.

But the door was locked and Alec didn't have a key, why would he when they weren't that serious yet.

He rang the buzzer and Magnus's voice came, but he sounded like a man had the weight of the world on his shoulders.

"Now is not a good time, you'll have to come back another day or evening."

"Magnus, its Alec..." The door had come open before he could say anything else.

Alec walked in and Magnus was standing there, but his brown eyes didn't hold the sparkle they usually did. But Alec did see some affection in them.

Magnus came closer and his eyes widened, "You were possessed! I can still smell traces of it."

Alec told him the whole story and by the end tears were pouring down his face, Magnus sat them both on the couch.

"I'm a monster Magnus, I have innocent blood on my hands and I know how many times I shower I'll never feel clean again."

Magnus pulled him close, "It never goes away Alexander, the guilt lessens in time but it's always there."

"You've been there?" Alec asked.

"When I was ten my warlock abilities came out, my mother hung herself because she couldn't handle having something like me for a child."

Magnus shushed Alec before he could speak, "I know it's not my fault but it took decades to come to terms with it."

Magnus took a deep breath, "The human man I had believed to be my father reviled me and found me by the river one day."

Alec squeezed his hand, "He tried to drown me and it happened so quickly, I killed him with my powers without trying to."

"It was self-defense."

Magnus's eyes held sadness and his body also shook with it.

"A child does not know those things Alexander, I was taken in and raised by the silent brothers, they helped me control my powers and slowly my guilt lessened."

"Thank you," Alec whispered, "You shared so much even though you didn't have to."

"You mean so much Alexander."

Alec leaned his head on Magnus shoulder, Magnus's window had a perfect view of the lit up skyline of New York.

"Magnus, I heard you turned Camille in..."

Magnus stood up and anger came to his usually calm brown eyes.

"Aldertree tortured Raphael to punish me, he knows Raphael is like my son, he would've killed him and the clan."

Alec gasped, "I knew he could be harsh like so many of the Clave, but it's becoming obvious he's the most dangerous we've ever encountered."

"Be careful Alexander, please."

"I will," Alec touched Magnus's hand, "Are you ok?"

"It was the toughest thing I ever had to do, but Camille is too dangerous to stay free, I needed to do this for the good of everyone else. She's my past, where she belongs."

Magnus smiled at Alec and affection came to his eyes, "You are my present and hopefully much more of my future."

Alec felt moved and smiled, "I'd like that also."

They sat back down next to each other, having bonded over the pain they shared from horrific events, and now hopefully they could concentrate on more hopeful moments.


End file.
